What is Your Biggest Regret?

‘Regrets, I have a few, but then again, too few to mention. I did what I had to do, and saw it through without exemption.…more, much more than this, I did it my way’ —My way by Frank Sinatra

This is a song I came to know when I was 18 years old. It was played loud during an English lesson by a Malay lecturer, with the class sitting in the computer room, and the lecturer reckoned it is her favourite song. I instantly fell in love with the song.

Only few knows I like the song. A vast majority living in this contemporary, most prefer modern piece, such revelation may invite some teases. An old soul they would say.

A late night chatting with a friend, out of the blue, we talked about regrets. Prior to that, I was a little bit offended by him commenting on my dad’s hospitalisation and the choices I made to keep him in the private hospital, enduring hefty hospital bill. My friend is a clear thinker, I always turn to him when I am lost for his good advice. When he told me not to have conflict with the doctor, the hyper-vigilant instantly jumped to protect myself and I retorted in frantic text messages that he did not understand my situation. 

I am certainly upset because I thought he would take my side but he didn’t. And so him being an introspective and introverted friend, took a step back and said he should give no more comments because he obviously did not understand the condition well enough. 

I instantly regretted, but words cannot be taken back. It was quite a tense text exchanges. But I decided to clear things up by telling him I really appreciate his advice, and I noted his good intention of willing to speak of the truth. 

And there goes our own regrets.

He revealed that he has had a lot of regrets. I thought for a second, I had only one (till date), and i wish no more. 

I was 15 years old, preparing to sit for an important exam. I was raised by my grandparents up until 7 years old. There was a period of time that we drifted apart when I returned home to my mum. At the age of 14 or so, the family started to have this arrangement that my grandpa would come over to fetch us for school. I was previously sent by my friend’s mum who stayed nearby, but my sister is now a big girl and she needs a ride too. 

And there on, he appeared every morning, punctual and early, drove from his home to us and become our regular chauffeur, then he would off to work in my uncle’s pet shop. He was always on time. He drove us back from school to home as well. Wait for us. Then sent us off to tuition and everything else. For him, I was almost never being picked up late as opposed to previous. 

In contrary, my dad was always the late-comer. Always disappointing late, not exaggerating, me and my siblings were almost always the last one to go home, be it the school or tuition. There were times we had to walk ourselves home because we had been forgotten. And almost always, half way through it, someone we know would pick us up or he would look for us along the route to home and gave us a honk. That was a time where kids have no cellphone.

On the side note, there was a top-achiever girl who always dressed nicely who came to same tuition center as me. Her dad was always on time and she would gracefully made her way into the backseat of the car, leaving the front passenger seat empty. Seeing that, the ignorant-me have learned the same way. Sitting at the back, I could gaze my grandpa’s occasional silver hair in the midst of his dyed-black hair. We seldom talked. After all, with a huge age gap, the quiet air seemed to be just reasonable. Until one day, he commented that me sitting at the backseat have made him felt like a driver. 

There came a day that he fell sick. As usual, he picked us up on time and announced that he’s not feeling well. The usual him would read newspaper while waiting for us, but that particular day, he lied down on the couch, looking really ill. I can still vividly pictured this. 

Oblivious-teenage-me paid no good attention to it. That night itself, he got admitted and my parents asked if i wanted to come with them to pay him a visit. There’s an important exam around the corner, I was holding a book sitting on the couch reading it. I turned them down and continue burying myself in the academic books, as if there’s no other things more pressing than this.

I was wrong.

In the classroom, I was called out and sent home early by my form teacher for the first time. When I got into the car, my sister was already in it. What struck us the next, my dad revealed the passing of my grandfather and he’s here to send us to hospital to bid our last goodbye. I could no longer remember the following conversation, all i remembered were endless tears rolling down my cheeks, we cried all the way to the hospital, mourning over the departure of one of the man I loved the most in this world to the what the adult said ‘the better place’.

We were not allowed to see him in the hospital. My grandmother came to to the lobby where we waited, I could still remember she said ‘You were late, he was still mumbling about picking y’all from school at his last hour..’

Yes. I was late. And now I have no way to reverse the remorse.

And that pained me a lot until today.

Flashing back the day, when he drove me up the slope of his old house, ‘I will teach you to drive one day.’ He could no longer grow old enough to see me grown into the 17-years-old young lady whom he can give her a driving lesson legally as he promised. A promise that he can no longer deliver.

The last ever thing I can hold onto is the neat handwritten timetable with our school and tuition schedule crafted carefully in dark black ink by him. 

Back to my friend. I told him sometimes holding back things are good to avoid conflict, but I tend to let my thoughts said and conveyed because those words not said may be things we regretted the most. 

Do not let important words unsaid. 

He said well, that made you who you are. It seems to him that that explained everything about my hypervigilance, the part of me that wanting to keep things in order and control and over-worried that things might go wrong if I hadn’t make necessary intervention at the right time.

My grandfather holds the greatest regret of mine. 

I have regretted for not sitting in the front passenger seat, for not able to learn driving from him as he had promised, not making the time to visit him in the hospital, for not being able to do much for him, and for not expressing my love for him while he’s around. I missed the chance of saying a proper goodbye even.

He left without notice. 

You often thought there will be next time but came to realise there is no next time.

What formed us today is largely the experiences, hurdles and regrets we all once had. We are the by-product of our past.

If there’s something important you haven’t say, say it.

If there’s someone you love, tell them.

Finding Joy in Pain

2 text messages came through my phone screen.

‘What pain do i want in life?’

‘What am i willing to struggle for?’

Well. From a friend. He said he has no answer.

‘The pain of missing out most family time, the loneliness as an expat, the wait for the right person, the muscle soreness to stay healthy, the time devoted to keep abreast of knowledge , the delayed gratification to financial freedom.’

He immediately retorted, ‘you found the right person long ago.’

‘This is the answer for you.’

‘Sounds legit.’

‘Of course. I think of it from your perspective.’

Most of the above resonate well with me in fact. 

The good thing is pain can be addictive and rewarding, see how far we can go to devour spiciness ‘level 10’ ramen, the extra Chili flakes on pizza, the muscle fibers breakdown form a marathon, a seemingly horrible cupping session or Thai massage but yet we enjoyed every bit of these tortures.

In a life context, small pain now in exchange for big pain in the future is probably the right way to think. Hence making the small pain now not too much of a pain.

If each of us has to endure a certain level of pain and struggles, wouldn’t it be better if you suffer 1% of pain each day for a better tomorrow. Learning to take in bite-sized pain gracefully, you stand a chance in mitigating big pain in the future. 

How about you be more mindful in your meal and fight off your cravings—cutting down junk food, sweet food and beverages instead of needing to worry what slimming pill to swallow? 

How about you turn down a drinking session, save up more and live below your means in exchange for a good compounded investment to fund your retirement instead of working your ass off in your 70s to pay for mortgage?

How about you exercise once a week to keep your muscle flexible and mind fresh in exchange for a stronger body instead of getting a stiffened vessel in your carotid artery and get a stroke?

Isn’t that sounds more feasible? Who wants a huge lump-sum pay off of pain.

But the secret sauce is that we must learn to find joy in pain. Joy will burn out the pain.

Joy in eating expiring fruits for example is in finding Cara Cara Orange.

Joy in waking up in the morning to run is in finding a fragrant mango and bring it home.

Joy in working 12 hours a day is in finding your patient well and getting better.

Simple as that.

Yes. No one wants pain and struggles but most will overlook the readiness and their abilities to find joy within pain. Only if they realise, that it is not that hard actually.. that unexpected good stuffs can be (or may be) found in the process, diverting you to happy surprise amidst pain.

Pain is not a limiting factor hence. We as the smartest earthlings so far are smart enough to take on the right amount of pain we can endure. 

Was talking to a friend lately and he told me he has finally resigned from his 8-5 government job. He worked in Sarawak, a rural area, away from family, a lot of struggles; not an ideal job but he has endured for few years. Most would want to continue staying in the government, in the comfort zone, but he took a leap of faith of quitting anyway. I am happy for him. I encouraged him to join the Sg workforce and gave him a few good reasons. He hesitated a lot— for the pain and struggles he imagined and the future he envisioned (he would eventually return to home country one day he said). Sometimes the biggest pain in life is not to a take on a risk. However, we must also look within to check on our value system and to carefully weight if the pain we are going to take is aligned with our goals. Pain worthy for me might not be worthy for my friend.

You may bite off more than you can chew, but most people certainly wouldn’t choke themselves to death. Accident is an exception anyway.

Pick the pain of your choice, buckle up and look for joy from within. You will be surprised that it may not be that hard at all.  The keyword is, anyway, the pain that ‘you want’ and ‘you’re willing to take on’.  Does it worth the pain?

Of fear

I have learned that even a very wise person can be fearful when faced with uncertainities and difficulties.

One may look calm and peaceful on the outside but fear inside, like how calm swans keep themselves afloat gracefully but if you look closer, they paddle frantically beneath. 

'Isn’t it odd. It can only see our outsides, but nearly everything happens on the inside.'-the boy, the mole, the fox and the horse.

It is the inside that should be well taken care of. 

But it is the inside that we avoid showing the world. It is the inside the world refuse to see. 

Is a pat to the inner you suffice? 

Probably a hug or more. 

I guess. 

Or just hanging around, being there. 

I choose to be quiet. 

Probably saying 'do not fear' is not the most helpful way. 

Probably a hug or more will affirm one further. 

I ponder. 

Maybe just hanging around, being there. 

Just be there. 

We are truly dependent on one another. 

Sometimes we cross paths, sometimes we drift apart. 

But in all those days we are together, being there is the best ever gift. 

Everyone is a bit scared, but we are less scared together.

Of sickness

Meningoencephalitis or on the paper of discharge summary— Encephalitis and encephalopathy.It's not until someone you love has gotten it you start realising how dreadful it can be.

Fear filled every inch of my skin. I had never seen a so-frail dad. He might not be the stoutest, strongest, most muscular dad in the world, but he has always been a father figure, the one who will be hustling to take care of the family if anyone is down. Whenever any of the family member fell sick, he would be the watchdog, making sure things are going okay. But this time it was him himself.

I got very frightened when I noticed something’s off over the phone. I remember crying over the phone, feeling helpless, yelling for help. I begged the sister to page a doctor and order a CT brain. He was not himself, he has got altered mental status. In delirium, he told me that he’s in a hotel instead of hospital.

It was my Birthday. Day 3 of my residency programme.

I managed to pick myself up and continued whatever I ought to do that day. I finished work at 7.45pm following a discussion in CC regarding my research.

The next few days, he has been progressing fast. He has tremors to the extent he cannot feed himself, unsteady gait hence they labelled him as high fall risk and intractable hiccups which means something is going very wrong in the brain. I called to check on him every morning and tracked on his mental status. My heart skipped a beat every time there’s an update from the doctor (or feeling worse if they never give me any update). I can feel my body trembled, feeling paralysed and I was not in the capacity of doing my work.

I feel helpless for the first time. Despite me seeing countless of patients day in and day out in the hospital. How naive was I to tell some anxious patients not to worry too much or wait for an update from doctor without really putting myself  in their shoes?

I could not physically be there for my own father. I was worried the doctor might miss things amidst his acute condition despite wanting them to treat him properly—is the diagnosis correct, is the investigation sufficient, is the drug being optimised, is his kidney function okay? On the side note, I knew that there is minimal role for me to intervene. I wanted the best for him, I asked a lot of questions.

On Day 4 5/8/21, I decided I need to return home. It was purely intuitive to do so. They need me. 

On the same day of flying home, he was started on IVIG, an expensive medicine that often used as a last resort or salvage in severe sepsis in the ICU or for autoimmune disease. The doctors had no clue what is happening to him yet. The CSF panel showed raised in WBC and protein with PCR E. coli positive, with predominantly lymphocytes but all the other inflammatory markers were negative. CSF culture negative, blood culture negative. The investigation was just not very conclusive. 

I have so many questions that I have no answer. And no one can provide one.

He is now back at home, discharged. But i am still very worried. 10 days of effective antibiotics for a real E.coli meningitis poses risk of reinfection. The doctor was telling me that it could be a false positive, that he has been adequately treated from their point of views. 

I remain skeptical on the decision, but I know that I cannot force things through. All I can do is hope for the best and pray for his speedy recovery.

My thoughts:

1. The world does not always go as you wish. Things weren’t necessary laid out as it suppose to be. You don’t always get a definite answer. That can be nerve wracking. That may seem unacceptable. There’s a fine line between making things in order tactfully vs. pushing too hard to tense everyone up. There’s a part of you fearing things will go wrong but there’s another part of you who just innocently praying things to be okay.  Learning to strike a good balance between staying calm and still in the midst of chaos while keep things under controlled is really hard. Keeping yourself sane and thinking clear is even harder.

2. We should always plan ahead and get the umbrella ready for rainy days. Don’t be like me. Thoughts of whether the insurance coverage is sufficient crosses my head multiple times, I raised the topics before but was oblivious to ask in-depth (because I assume…).Oh well, once they fall sick, the insurance often will come with some exclusion criteria. Getting yourself a good insurance is not good enough, making sure your loved one have good coverage gives you peace of mind.

3. Family is the most important thing in life. For years, this component has been well taken care of and i am really grateful for that.I can now understand how hard it is for a family to go through hardships like sickness. We have to help each other, give the weak one affirmation and give the sick one encouragement. All i hope is that everyone is in the pink of health from now on.

4. We are all dependent of one another. I have received a lot of care and help from my dearest friends. Some called in, some texted. Each of them has given me their love and time to listen to my problem and some have given me very good advices. I couldn’t be more grateful for that. I would be the same for them whenever they need me.

5.For the longest time ever, I am a ‘rabbit’ who has only learnt how to run fast to get to the finishing line. I have my goals, my own agenda and things i wanted to achieve in life. I guess I am lucky enough to be ‘budged and reminded’ constantly by someone who is older and wiser than me. And I am thankful for that.

‘Within each of us there is an Owl, a Rabbit, an Eeyore and a Pooh. For too long, we have chosen the way of Owl and Rabbit. Now, like Eeyore, we complain without results. But that accomplishes nothing. If we are smart, we will choose the way of Pooh’.

6. From the original simplicity comes the ability to enjoy the simple and quiet, the natural and plain and I hope I will always remember this—be it today, the near or the far future.

8. Last by not least, my dear God has never forgotten me in the day of trouble despite me being oblivious all the time! All glory to Him.

Look again what’s important in life. Slow down and look carefully because what is important is often invisible.

Aoran

Searching for the inner child

A day out with the girls who shared similar background, upbringing and values soothed me a lot today.

These days i am growing to be more anxious about the future— a dreadful programme is starting soon next week. I am taking a break from work since last Thursday to steer clear of my anxiety. I have had tightness on the chest and a garbage of destructive thoughts inside of tiny pea sized brain.

It’s not until i signed up for it and then subsequently was accepted into it (pretty easily which took me my surprise), that I started to get to know loads of horror stories from the programme. About people dropping out, about people failing the programme; someone changed their personalities entirely because of this ( I wouldn’t want this!) and the numerous criticism echoing on this training programme.

I thought about my childhood a lot recently and contemplated a lot on things I could have done better. Self reflection is such an ugly mirror, i still have turbulence inside me.

I began to admire the little me in my childhood time. The little girl with zero fear, i was fearless to almost absolutely nothing; always so confident of myself. I recalled a memory of the 12-year-old me and my mum having breakfast in a noodle shop on the day of an important exam. My rivals, a little chubby boy who used to adore me, was holding book in his hand while having breakfast, frantically reading it. My thought at that particular instance?  I could still remember it quite clearly. ‘Too much nervous do you no good. I shall not be pressured. I will be doing ok. Better than him i suppose.’ 

The little girl who had never afraid of criticism, who stood in the classroom and started on debates with the boys, who didn’t care about the view of others has now grown up to be the opposite. I hope you’ll be back in no time. 

Right? Ain’t nobody got time for me? I knew it, but i just can’t help myself feeling inferior, feeling not good enough. :(

As I greatly doubt myself, Yc’s recommendation on this book called ‘Stillness is the key’ seems to be a lifebuoy in the ocean. I’ve started reading it (last part to finish tomorrow). It has got so much wisdom in it. It’s a book that helped him a lot in his downtime. Maybe for me too? I wonder if he was lucky to have a good mentor in his life, like how he is guiding me. Aha, he might not know that he is inspiring, maybe i should let him know one day. 

The book suggested journalism. i thought this would be a good idea to restart this. :) May this give me some comfort and support throughout.

Be still. 

Jolly Folly Major Update :)

I am reading ‘7 Habits of Highly Effective People’ today. I realised I haven’t been writing for a really long time. Things happened, a lot has changed. There were times among my busy schedule when I read back on this blog, always with a sense of proudness of myself for keeping the old times memory here. They are real old gems.. and today, I am thinking why not keep this going and just document about life. I would now call it ‘Daily Private Victory’.

In recent years, the world has changed so fast, and I have been pushing myself to keep up with it. I came to believe that if you stop pushing yourself, the world will then push you around.

Major throwback to 2019

I started to work in Singapore about a year ago in November 2019. I could still remember the thrill when I received the offer letter from HR; tears of joy streamed down my cheek while I was driving home on a long high way after a long day at work. It was definitely more than a sob, I was crying like a baby, ?quite hysterically in the car. I wasn’t even trying to exaggerate.  Ever read ‘The Pearl’?

‘It is not good to want a thing too much. It sometimes drives the luck away. You must want it just enough, and you must be very tactful with Gods or the gods.’-John Steinbeck, The Pearl

That’s me. I feel so touched by God. After years of struggles, it came true, my once elusive goal that I have left behind. It was awaken by one phone call, by then my spirit was high, but dare not to give it too much of a hope given the number of times the disappointment hit me. When the time is right, things fall into its place. This is also why both me and xt put on the cross necklace. Amen!

Ox-picious year 2020 (Niu Year)

A new year has begun and we are still long way out of the pandemic. A global pandemic Covid 19 originated from WuHan China has hit us, the cleverest top-of-the-food-chain homosapiens; started around Dec 2019, the same year I started working in Singapore. It is not ending yet. Msia is now having high number of cases up to 2000-3000 new patients per day, and the first ever not ending lock-down of Singapore-Malaysia borders in history has been ongoing since around March 2020. I have only been home once since I relocated, which was last year Chinese New Year. Terrifying pandemic, first of its kind, we were all grounded. I miss HOME.

The pandemic has forced changes to our daily life. No travel (my greatest passion :/ ), no school, no work for non-essential workers (aha, so now you know who are essential lol?) , no eating out, safe distancing, safe entry scan almost everywhere, then Zoom Classes/Zoom meeting. In my case, our work team splits into Team A and B, whereby people from different team are not supposed to meet or eat together. In Singapore, we have now evolved from movement restriction to no more than gathering of 4 pax then to no more than 8 pax. Staying at home is the new norm.

The pandemic has made us all slowed down in a way. No more rushing in and out of the custom for me, that’s mean no more going home for all Malaysians working in this foreign land that oversees our home country. The rampaging infection is alarming and worrying, but yet it looks almost like a reminder sent by our Lord to wake up his earthlings. Perhaps this is what we called the balance of nature.Mother Earth has reportedly becomes cleaner in a lot of tourist hotspots like Bali, Thailand where travellers used to litter a lot. The water bodies become cleaner and the air quality improves. More people is working from home now, spending more time with the family. 

Business are either forced to go online or go bankruptcy, even big department store like Robinsons closed down. Online businesses on the other hand flourish. I am very glad that my dad’s pet shop and my cousin uncle’s Chinese herbal and stuffs shop are both doing well. My dad said his business is now at its peak with the efforts of my brother pushing it online. I had a look at my family business’s page in Shopee (owned by my company $SeaLimited), the comments and all looked really great. Ahh..my little brother haha, i am starting to be proud of him. I hope he keeps up his passion and his good work. 

I have been reading frantically recently on financial stuff and my usual favourite non-fiction kind of books. To name a few: Finding Chika by Mitch Albom,  Warren buffet way, Atomic habits, Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck and more.. In solitude, I think I find peace with myself in reading, playing keyboard (yes, don’t judge, i pick up piano again haha, sorry dude!) and exploring more of the world. I have learnt a lot more about myself in this year. Ohh, hot news, I have started investing in the US Market too.

I started investing in the Malaysia market 2-3 years ago under the influence CH, O and W. All of them were my colleagues back in M’sia who are good at managing their finance.Just like others, of course, I paid to the market to learn about a thing or two. :(

It was only after meeting Y that I started to change my investment mindset. I had never dreamt of Financial Independence and did not know that there’s a way of doing it, and of course, skepticism about my ability of realising it is another big hurdle. Yet, he makes things obvious, easy, attractive and satisfying. 

One day while talking to Xt about people inspiring us in life, I looked back my own and realised there really are people inspiring me along the way. Xt said he has none. I was surprised. Hmm, because if you do not have one, probably that’s because you haven’t been really looking into finding one.? My first boss aka mentor, Mr Choong LD, he inspired me to be a good pharmacist when i was still a student. I work part time in the pharmacy store and he was always good and patient to teach me and other colleagues. I was such a young chick who don’t even know DM can cause optic neuropathy that pt can go blind and obviously do not know the active ingredients in Colodium (antidiarrheals med) is Loperamide. I told Mr Choong I wanted to be someone like him, be a pharmacist who is able to remember all generic names of the medicines. I achieved that today. 

The second person of whom I believe inspired me while conning (fun harmless little lies though don’t worry) me at the same time was a young guy called YH I met in the Sydney International Airport. I was back from my Working Holiday in Woolgooga and was munching my left-overnight Korean chicken from yesterday dinner in the airport. Yes, I kept it in the bag and took it out to eat while waiting for a flight. How peculiar is this girl?! This young man approached me and we gone into a 8-hour-conversation (Sydney-KL route). LOL.At the end of the conversation, I decided to need to see NZ for myself, then the next year I was on a voyage to NZ ! I realised i achieved that too.

You can only realise great things happening around you if you have the right amount of self-awareness within yourself. I am so grateful and lucky to have people teaching me and encouraging me to learn more, travel more and invest more. 

Everyone should invest I believe. I have changed my mindset totally because of a great life mentor. While i am trying to zoom out myself and look at the bigger picture, I realised this could me a game-changing shift of paradigm. 🔥 Today, my portfolio records a gain of 16-20% 4 months into my US  market adventure.

In the coming days and years, I hope I can inspire more people around me to invest too. I hope that everyone would achieve that ultimate goal in life, to be financially independent, do what they love and love what they do. 

Reminder to self

Never go for empty victories, it is not worth it if the successes come at the expense of things we suddenly realise were far more valuable to us.