Searching for the inner child

A day out with the girls who shared similar background, upbringing and values soothed me a lot today.

These days i am growing to be more anxious about the future— a dreadful programme is starting soon next week. I am taking a break from work since last Thursday to steer clear of my anxiety. I have had tightness on the chest and a garbage of destructive thoughts inside of tiny pea sized brain.

It’s not until i signed up for it and then subsequently was accepted into it (pretty easily which took me my surprise), that I started to get to know loads of horror stories from the programme. About people dropping out, about people failing the programme; someone changed their personalities entirely because of this ( I wouldn’t want this!) and the numerous criticism echoing on this training programme.

I thought about my childhood a lot recently and contemplated a lot on things I could have done better. Self reflection is such an ugly mirror, i still have turbulence inside me.

I began to admire the little me in my childhood time. The little girl with zero fear, i was fearless to almost absolutely nothing; always so confident of myself. I recalled a memory of the 12-year-old me and my mum having breakfast in a noodle shop on the day of an important exam. My rivals, a little chubby boy who used to adore me, was holding book in his hand while having breakfast, frantically reading it. My thought at that particular instance?  I could still remember it quite clearly. ‘Too much nervous do you no good. I shall not be pressured. I will be doing ok. Better than him i suppose.’ 

The little girl who had never afraid of criticism, who stood in the classroom and started on debates with the boys, who didn’t care about the view of others has now grown up to be the opposite. I hope you’ll be back in no time. 

Right? Ain’t nobody got time for me? I knew it, but i just can’t help myself feeling inferior, feeling not good enough. :(

As I greatly doubt myself, Yc’s recommendation on this book called ‘Stillness is the key’ seems to be a lifebuoy in the ocean. I’ve started reading it (last part to finish tomorrow). It has got so much wisdom in it. It’s a book that helped him a lot in his downtime. Maybe for me too? I wonder if he was lucky to have a good mentor in his life, like how he is guiding me. Aha, he might not know that he is inspiring, maybe i should let him know one day. 

The book suggested journalism. i thought this would be a good idea to restart this. :) May this give me some comfort and support throughout.

Be still.